The fun thing around about coed group chats is that when certain shit happens, the group chat can quickly become the most interesting shit happening in your life. I’m talking miss-your-subway-exit-because-you’re-too-busy-crying-laughing interesting. Typically, it just takes one dude with strong opinions, one woman with strong opinions, and at least one instigator, and shit can get poppin.

Yesterday, after Gia Casey publicly admitting that she was faking orgasms for a whole ten years in her relationship with Breakfast Club radio host DJ Envy, someone decided to drop that news in the group chat.

Everyone’s initial reactions were “why the HELL is this news?”, quickly followed by “why the HELL would she put that out there?” And within minutes, tears were streaming down all of our faces as we began reposting memes in the chat. Dawg, Black Twitter was Black-Twittering at it’s finest.

Bruh, hearing mans go in on DJ Envy for making his wife suffer through a decade of fake-orgasms is hilarious. But then the mood in the group chat changed when one nigga said, “how in the fuck can a straight nigga not realize that his girl been faking orgasms for an entire decade? Shit ain’t adding up!” While all the dudes cosigned what he typed and replied that Envy probably knew and didn’t care because he was obviously getting so much outside pussy.

Then, one of the women in the chat chimed in and said, “it’s not as hard to fool a nigga as you think…” But, the man dem in the group weren’t trying to hear that line of reasoning at all. “I know a gyal couldn’t fool me for ten seconds, much less ten years!”

And then another woman, who apparently woke up with violence on her heart, replied, “but dawg…your ex did fake with you nuff times during your relationship!”

Nigga, I don’t know the name of the emoji with all the teeth but it flooded the chat for about 90 seconds non-stop.

The dude who spoke up used to date the best friend of the woman in the chat and she put his ass on full blast. What ensued next was dude trying to defend his honour, while homegirl came with some wild receipts including informing dude that the real reason her friend/his ex had to visit a chiropractor during their relationship was because she hurt her neck doing some fake-orgasm-dutty-whine move.

Before the rest of us could even try to help dude’s ego out, the women extrapolated the conversation to a larger discussion on the frequency of women faking orgasms. What I learned is that there’s a million different reasons why women actually fake it. While many times it’s “this dick is trash” faking, women be faking orgasms because they are tired, because they have a lot on their minds, and even simple shit like they don’t want to be sweated on anymore. One woman in the chat said one Thursday years ago she faked an orgasm at 8:59 PM, just so she could roll over and watch Scandal at 9.

The more the women in the group detailed exactly what goes into faking an orgasm, the shit went from somewhat alarming to downright frightening. Women are aware of their mid-coital disposition in a way a lot of dudes simply aren’t. When our bodies get to convulsing, we make all kinds of wild faces and noises and shit, that it’s almost impossible to remember, much less replicate. But these women were breaking it down, talking about reading books on orgasms to know how to breath and tricks on how move their body. Shit, one woman said she would pinch herself hard as hell on her asscheek mid-faking to make her body jump a certain way to imitate orgasmic convulsions.

These damn women had masters degrees and PhD’s in faking orgasms, and the way they talked about how common the shit is, mans in the group started to realize that something was off. If 90% of men say they’ve never had a woman fake on orgasm with them, but 90% of women say they regularly fake orgasms then someone’s ass is lying – and it’s probably not the women.

The sad truth is that faking orgasms was neither invented, nor solely performed, by DJ Envy’s wife Gia. There’s an epidemic of orgasm faking in these streets. Oh, you think I’m lying? Fam, I dare you to go stand around a group of women talking about how many times they’ve faked orgasms, and you’ll learn that every straight woman on Earth has a PhD in faking it in the exact perfect way that none of us – NONE OF US – could ever pick up on. So before you hit send on that meme making fun of Envy, just know there’s probably an ex somewhere that screen-shotted that shit and put it in her group chat like “I know THIS nigga ain’t talkin’!”

This Is Your Conscience