For the past two years, throughout the pandemic quarantine, I have pretty much become slightly-addicted to reality dating TV shows. Much of this can be traced back to the fact that dealing with the trauma of loss, surviving a pandemic, and witnessing the worsening of our collective racial climate has driven to consume far more brainless shows than ever before. I don’t wanna consume endlessly negative news programs or scripted trauma because life has been giving me enough pessimism and pain to last a life time. So whether it’s Love Island or 90 Day Fiancé or Love Is Blind, I’m IN.

But the funny thing about those shows is that there’s always this one woman who torments her partner and her self in equal share by constantly talking about how much she needs to have a relationship modelled after he parents or grandparents relationship. She’ll sit there in front of the camera during her talkback or confessional, and her eyes will inevitably well up with tears as she describes how ‘Nana’ had the most perfect, beautiful 45-year marriage and how she will never, ever, ever, ever, ever settle for anything less than that perfect, old-school love. Then, in the same breath, she will contrast her current relationship against the ideal that she’s built up about ‘old-school love’ and absolutely shit all over her relationship and the dude she’s with.

While this is an amusing reality show occurrence, the truth is I hear many people say shit like this all the time in my real life. I know a lot of women who, for whatever reason, feel like the antidote to all of today’s modern dating problems is to look back on what made relationships ‘successful’ back in the days. The problem is, most of the women who say that bullshit have no fucking clue what old-school relationships were actually like.

Your young-ass was in no damn position to actually know what the fuck was powering the relationships and marriages of your parents, grandparents, and the entire generation of folks that preceded you. You have no idea how much cheating and abuse women were suffering through because they didn’t have the socioeconomic mobility to leave. You have no idea how much some of the women in your family torpedoed their dreams and their happiness just to ensure a better life for the next generation.

And the funny thing is, you don’t even know everything that occurred to make the relationship successful. A lot of y’all have no idea that your grandpa only chose your Nana because she was the throat goat, or the only thing that kept your household together was because they had Threesome Thursdays every summer when you were away at camp (not inner-beauty or whatever fuckery mans read in his vows). The fact that Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee’s relationship was legendary in our community but we’re still outraged at the mere idea that Will and Jada may have had an open relationship tells you everything you need to know about our collective immaturity.

When you look at relationships today, it’s clear that there are many modern social factors that are contributing to relationships being fucked up. It’s also obvious that there were a lot of relationships back in the days, just like today, that are very successful and admirable. But, with that being said, romanticizing the past is an exercise of delusion. Relationships have always been hard, and they will always be hard. But looking back won’t provide you with the answers you’re looking for.

This Is Your Conscience